Making Friends: the Right Way and the Wrong Way

Any further Grotesqueries?

Mellow hello, everyone anyone! You’ve been rewarded for your patience/apathy over this trying period: I am going to get right down to BUSINESS and not try to be the hero. This is an efficient overall policy for both hostage situations and blog posts.

Do werewolves deserve your sympathy? Maybe this will answer your questions.

Okay, probably not.

It’s time for part 3 in what I like to call “A Series of Unfortunately Named Wars”!

The Pig War

In today’s hastily-skimmed-through-barely-understood-just-looking-for-capitalised-words news:  http://www.scribd.com/doc/13731776/Tracking-GhostNet-Investigating-a-Cyber-Espionage-Network

The discovery of the Chinese government’s GhostNet is kind of a terrifying and ominous development in world affairs, until I realised it probably has no association with SkyNet. IS THAT GOOD THING OR A BAD THING.

I TAKE IT BACK SKYNET, PLEASE REIGN IN YOUR MURDERBOT

Note: to see the today’s comics in its pure, unadulterated format, you will need to save  and open it with your usual opening program! Fun and games in editing programs!

The Hiatus That Ate Us

The most observant of you may have noticed that it’s been a particularly long period of inactivity since the last post! Well, I hope you like it when trends continue, because that means I don’t have to complete this sentence and in doing so, save myself valuable vowels for

We’d like to hope everybody of whatever dominant denomination they may be enjoyed Christmas, New Year’s Eve, and the weeklong event that is the Festival of International Beaver Smuggling. This year is apparently NOT going to provide us with many surprises (even a MERE CHILD could have predicted that it was going to be odd-numbered) but all the same, let’s give it the same support and love we might give a more numerically significant year,  like 2010. After all, we’re still another year closer to the Mayan end-of-times. :)

 

In the spirit of some deeply cynical and unfestive holiday, here are some links provided, WITHOUT CONTEXT:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swedenborgianism

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Line_of_succession_to_the_British_Throne

http://listsgalore.blogspot.com/2008/10/10-unusual-monuments-to-rub-kiss-or-pat.html

http://homelesstales.com/2008/07/famous-people-who-have-been-homeless/

http://www.biggerbetterbeards.org/

http://listsgalore.blogspot.com/2008/08/25-awesome-foods-you-never-knew-could.html

http://www.dailybits.com/5-terrific-twitter-uses/

http://listverse.com/bizarre/top-10-unusual-food-combinations/

http://moronland.net/moronia/moron/1025/

http://mywiki.ws/The_Most_Unusual_Books_of_the_World

http://www.divinecaroline.com/article/22167/37205

Enjoy it, and don’t eat anymore of that fruitcake. I’m saving it for one of my funerals.

I knew I shouldn’t have drawn attention to it, somebody’s eaten it all just to be contrary. YOU’VE RUINED POST CHRISTMAS, WHORE. >:O

The Time and Lives of George Psalmanazar!

Today’s comic is a special historical guest comic that I’ve produced for Kate Beaton’s History Time livejournal webring!

Super Duper, Extra Special, Happy John C. Calhoun Day!

You’re probably shaking your head and saying, “Seriously? Dude doesn’t update on Hallowe’en and then mistakes it for a day commemorating a sub-par, seccessionist Vice President?”

Oh, how little you know!

Most people would content to just say that and leave it hanging, but allow me to explain why I believe John C. Calhoun is the perfect modern figurehead for a holiday celebrating the occult and macabre:

WOULD YOU STOP WITH THE SCREAMING AND HUDDLING IN TERROR ALREADY! Jeez! It’s just a photo! No, the guy HASN’T returned from the dead to wreak vengeance on his Yankee tormenters; you people are always jumping to that conclusion and it only ever ends in panic and Swedenborgianism! I would have thought you’d learned by now. :/

Have you all calmed yourselves down? Good. There’s a time and place for mass hysteria, but I’m going to hide the map to it and break your watch. You stragglers at the back will just have to catch up later. Rory C. Calhoun was a fairly mediocre, underacheiving Vice President, but he has the distinction of being the least photogenic one ever! Van Buren, you can take five. Sorry, I know we said you were needed. :/

An interesting note is that if you followed the mysterious link to Wikipedia, you’ll be privy to a terrifying timeline of pictures taken of Calhoun throughout his lifetime, an experience that I’m going to compare to watching the evolution of car crashes! Gawkers are welcome and not expected to have to show respect for human dignity or tip! :)

It tugs at the heart and wang. It’s wangwarming.

Onto the next stage of today’s post: horrifying Halloween pictures!

Attempted live action Nintendo mascot/abomination, Kirby!

The “probably has a really great sense of humour and a nice complexion in the afternoon”, hagfish

The woman of my dreams:

I’m still feeling a little bit hungry, so I’ll order the son of my dreams as well:

The bones were the best part… but next time I might just get a baby salad. :/

I’ve saved the scariest for last:

AAAAAAAAGHHHH THE FERRETS ARE REVOLTING AND WILL PLACE US ALL UNDER THE DOMINATION WE DESERVE FOR YEARS OF FERRET OPPRESSION

Oh, wait, it’s okay. They’re just polecats.

To help you get into the belated Hallowe’en and Dia Los Muertes spirit, here are some spooktacular video links! … There was only one day in this entire year when was appropriate to use the word “spooktacular” and I CAN’T BELIEVE I MISSED IT. I’m not waiting around three hundred and sixty five days for the next one, somebody point me to the nearest suicidemobile! >:O

I Am Not Infected -A new zombie comedy series that has its moments. Of flesh eating and comedy!

– The History of Halloween, Part One… the rest follow shortly afterwards, use the power of your mouse to follow your destiny if you feel like it!

100 Classic Horror Film Posters

Japanese Instructions For Using the Nintendo DSi!

Top Ten Weirdest Halloween Costumes

Here are some links to youtube-sponsored, seasonally appropriate, bad horror movies that come highly recommended! Enjoy!

Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight!

Tales From The Crypt: Bordello of Blood! Warning: This film contains graphic scenes of awesomeness! Especially part 7.

Terrorvision!

Braindead!

Dead Heat!

Night of the Creeps!

The Star Wars Holiday Special!

Hmmm. One of these things is not like the other!

It isn’t the Star Wars Holiday Special, YOU GUESSED WRONG. >:(

Signing off with a picture of Morbidiculous’ Hallowe’en costume this year!

The scariest thing about it was the production values! :)

I feel like I could take on the world!

*shrugs* He tripped me. :(

In related incidences:

Just a small update for today!

Let’s all think back to a happier time! A time of Star Wars Holiday Specials and beards capable of sapience! That’s right, the Seventies!

Waaaait. I meant the Eighties. I hope I’m forgiven for confusing the two. :/

After that social embarassmeant, I have developed a method for distinguishing between the two decades…

… one of them features Ronald Reagan and the other doesn’t!

QED:

Thank you for your aid in this demonstration, sir. I’ll let you get back to your grave and history books.

“What’s this?! TWISTEEED SISTEEER?!”

Um, no, actually, crazy man who suddenly interupts blog posts! I commend you and your facial gymnastics, though! :/

Before departing, here are a couple of amusing video clips. It’s so much easier than actually writing content! Fellow fans of Little Shop of Horrors and awful children’s shows rejoice; I think these clips are self-explanatory without any need whatsoever for any context or background, right?

Consider that a tribute to the late, great, and possibly irate, Levi Stubbs!

You probably shouldn’t consider that a tribute, though. :/

Did you hear that!? He’s HOOKED! Once again, 80’s television is here to teach us an important lesson about the link between Nintendo and narcotics!

Events have Spyro-alled out of control!

I’m so, so sorry for the title. I’ll never make a pun again!

…That’s a pledge I know I can’t keep. It will probably be broken by the end of this page. Keep your eyes peeled! :(

I wish I could tell you that I knew how this ended… probably happily? No, that’s just wishful thinking. And when I say wish, I don’t mean a genie was involved. Those guys are always trying to screw you over with their irony, anyway.

There is not a whole lot to report on! ALTHOOOOUGH… here is a scan I made of Adolf Hitler from Triumph of the Will in a kind of vaguely amusing posture:

You go get ‘em, tiger!

Alright, let’s say that was “by popular demand”. That’s a great phrase to use when you want to avoid personal responsibility!

Anyway, I thought that today I would express a fondness for Starcraft… here I go, I hope you ARE READY BECAUSE THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN WHETHER THOSE BUREAUCRATS IN WASHINGTON LIKE IT OR NOT. >:(

We here at Morbidiculous have a fondness for Starcraft, and are highly anticipating Starcraft 2, which is now for some reason being produced in a trilogy. I think there was a brief link to it in the last post. I’d look it up myself, but you need the exercise! Work those carpal tunnels!

Here is an article, fresh from 1up, with all of the facts and important details about Starcraft 2! Excited yet?! NO?! Well, maybe you should have spent more time writing erotic Starcraft fan fiction in your youth like we did, hmmmm?

Outside of this, a lot of fantastic games have been released lately. Farcry 2, Fallout 3, and probably a few more if I could be bothered getting up and looking at the latest issue of PC Powerplay which is sitting right over there. If you have a computer capable of running these games, let CERN know because they will need to borrow your processing power for a little while for their unholy experiments! At least, I think that’s what they spend their time doing, when they aren’t throwing those wild late night bloc parties that they’re also known for.

In other news, the global financial crisis continues, blah, blah blah blah blah, and apparently the use of several phrases from the Koran has delayed the Playstation 3 game LittleBigPlanet, but we aren’t exactly going to get up in arms about it. You know what is more interesting? According to urban legend, the breakfast staple, the croissant, was named and designed to commemorate the end of the Siege of Vienna in 1529, as a reference to the crescent on the flag of the defeated Ottomans (which, as we ALL know, is the international symbol for Islam… … and sleepy times everywhere)

If this is true, as all urban legends everywhere have a tendency to be, then it was certainly the ultimate act of disrespect to their foes! ADMIRABLY DESPICABLE! I TIP MY HAT TO THOSE VIENNESE JERKS. :)

However, suddenly… breakfast has taken a much darker tone. |:[

No! You fool, look out! It’s a trap!

He’s done for. There’s nothing we can do. :(

….

Oh well! No reason to let that ruin the Dias de la Muerte festivities! :D

A day on which Kurt Russell’s integrity is damaged… FOREVER?

In lieu of a comic today, Morbidiculous is going to draw your attention to the dire situation occurring at this very moment down at the local video store. ACTING LOCALLY, THINKING GLOBALLY. FLYING INTERNATIONALLY AND AT ECONOMY CLASS RATES.

Two ordinary copies of John Carpenter’s legendary film duo, Escape From L.A and Escape From New York, are the victims of what I can only presume is a cruel Halloween prank. Observe!

What did you spy with your little eye? The correct answer to that question is: inconsistent eyepatch shennanigans! :o

In all my years of criticising things with emotional significance to other people, I have never been more shocked and appalled. The continuity issues alone! How can we ever trust Snake Plissken again? I tell you, WE CANNOT. Frankly, I expected FAR BETTER FROM THE LIKES OF A COLLABORATION BETWEEN KURT RUSSELL AND JOHN CARPENTER.

The Thing, now that was a film! Even the absence of eyepatches can be overlooked… for the time being. If you’re living your life correctly, you should be automatically mentally inserting them into every film you watch anyway.

Rear Window? Check.

WALL-E? Of course!

Pirates of the Carribbean? I can’t see any reason not to – HEY! Don’t try to screw me up like that, that’s not funny. >:o

Importantly, however, now that this issue has been identified, we can get to work SOLVING it! Let’s all put the “end to world hunger and poverty” project aside for now and start afresh! And let’s be honest… it was a silly, flight of fancy idea to begin with!

Links and news:

Starcraft 2 trilogy announced; Blizzard cites “extreme lack of not quite enough money yet”

Actually…. that’s kind of it, for now! There have been interesting events in the world (Stephen Harper and his conservative party of Canada are riding high!) but nothing has recently been peaking my interest enough for me to work up the energy required to drag and click a mouse on it. QUIT SLACKING OFF AND GET A REAL JOB, POPULAR CULTURE. >:|

Seriously, don’t make me resort to being capable of entertaining myself for five minutes! BECAUSE I SWEAR, I WILL DO IT.

However, before I sign off, here is a message from our political sponsors.

He’ll fight for your right to free speech and soil erosion. But still… he’s an amoral bastard.

And a tantalising glimpse at next time’s comic:

WHAT COULD IT MEAN

Grim announcements and their repercussions!

Dear loyal readers and that one emotionally stunted stalker in Bangkok:

Today begins a new era in the fortunes of Morbidiculous… or maybe it’s really more of an epoch!

Era or epoch? It’s so hard to decide, I hate these moments of crisis! They remind me of dilemmas. :O

Well anyway, as I was saying. Thanks to the purchase of a brand new laptop computer, we are officially “back in the game”, if I’d ever played anything even resembling a sport in my life! But the expression will do for now until the entire foundations of language change! HURRY THE FUNK UP.

So first of all, new updates should be regular and forthcoming!

Secondly, it is now October, as I discovered when I was attacked by that pack of wall calendars (it’s a long story, it involves man playing God and then reaping some dire consequences) and you know what that means, don’t you?

HALLOWEEN IS APPROXIMATELY 26 DAYS AWAY, GIVE OR TAKE!

Of all the secular, non-denominational holidays not even celebrated in my native country, Halloween is without a doubt my favourite! Shortly followed by Dias de la Muertes, both in terms of placement on my  list AND chronologically! How about that for convenience! It was very thoughtful of the establishers of tradition to include me in their plans!

To celebrate the next twenty six days of anticipation and then the one day of unrelenting terror and dread, Morbidiculous will be attempting to follow a horror theme! Spooky.

Nightmares await!

Uuuuuh, wrong kind of nightmare, R.L Stine.

Still not quite there, keep trying!

You know what? CLOSE ENOUGH. :O

So, to sign off: the variety of links that’s become habitual, some of which may or may not entertain you; how should I know, I’m not your mother, leave me alone, get your kicks elsewhere, sickos! >:O

Gamers Bill of Rights Demanded; world poverty still a non-issue

Help, help, we’re being repressed!

And so I reach my daily Monty Python paraphrase quota. For the time being. :/

10 Things PC Games Must Always Include

Clearly this is a crisis on a global scale, damnit! FOR WE HAVE STRENGTH IN NUMBERS.

8 Museums You Won’t Be Bored By

Pfft, I have better things to do with my time than visit museums!

…I’m lying… no I don’t. :(

9 Reasons Not To Date A T Rex

I didn’t say they were GOOD reasons.

(People always manage to find a reason to back out of commitment… QUITTERS)

Shakespeare Insult Generator

Shakespeare could be quite the acerbic playwright – here is proof in the form of an online Shakespearean insult generator!

The internet has once again fulfilled a dream… my dream of having an ill-tempered 15th century bard living inside my computer!

….WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT WASN’T WHAT MARTIN LUTHER KING JR WAS TALKING ABOUT. LET ME SEE THAT CIVIL RIGHTS PAMPHLET. :|

…Moose milking and other excuses for a lack of updates

I hate it when they secularise holidays like this. IT’S ALL ABOUT THE COMMERCIALISM. :(

As you may have scratched your head and observed to whoever is in close vicinity to you, it has been quite some time since an update. WELL I would like to wholeheartedly apologise to you for that.

However, where other people would say “I’m going through some things right now” or “I was sick” or “I was held hostage by this guy who looked like Bruce Willis”, I will not insult your intelligence. I’m just going to blame it on moose milk.

MOOSE MILK. Compose your best song about moose milk and send it to me! I dare you. What are you afraid of!?

Links, if you can be bothered clicking on them (I know I couldn’t) :

A recent blog taking the world (on the internet) by storm:

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/

I’m a white person and it appeals to my white sensibilities! It has been added to the sidebar if you are interested in an alternate link or you just like being redundantly redundant. KIND OF LIKE WHAT I JUST DID THERE. :O

http://falafel-king.freeonlinegames.com/

I will be completely honest with you, reader. I am only including this link because it contains the word “falafel”, one of the finest culinary words EVER CONCEIVED. It acheives a tie with “phlegmatic” on my personal top five. :)

http://www.wordassociation.org/

The Japanese take all the fun out of double entendres for everyone, forever: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tokyo_Yakult_Swallows

http://www.alphadictionary.com/articles/100_most_beautiful_words.html

And… scene! That’s a wrap! All I have to do now is press publish and nobody can stop me, not even the Goosebumps dog! :)

“THAT’S JUST WHAT I WANTED YOU TO THINK”

He’s always one step ahead!! :O

FACT: Deceased poets live rich, fulfilling lives despite the obvious contradiction in that sentence

I think that will be all for today! …Also there is a pigeon in my bed. :/

Today… your valuable time is wasted by another Pokemon adventure

Scott Romsomair of VGCats did it first, but this is more amateurish and juvenile. Therefore: FOUR LEGS GOOD TWO LEGS BAD. I mean, therefore: MY SUPERIORITY IS UNQUESTIONABLE.

…Wait, I violated my “no referencing George Orwell after 6 o’clock” pact again… that thing IS SO HARD TO STICK TO. What was I thinking when I agreed to it?! :O

Once again it is just a comic update for today and some links… but on the 6th of August, to both celebrate and subvert the Australian release of Futurama: The Beast With A Billion Backs, Morbidiculous will be reviewing a perfectly ordinary, unlimited edition copy with no outstanding features purchased from one of the numerous chain retail stores. That doesn’t sound like much of a treat for anyone who’s been investing their energy into Morbidiculous, but for all you know, I could have just downloaded a copy and watched it already and am just purchasing a copy to assuage my unbearable guilt… BUT YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE A PRETTY MISTRUSTFUL AND CYNICAL INDIVIDUAL TO COME TO THAT CONCLUSION. Let’s hear no more about it!

Here are some great links, as vaguely alluded to:

A non-bulleted list of “retronyms”, which you would assume is just another annoying neologism (like tweens, or metrosexual) of this decade, the noughties, until you read this. Oh no, I actually used “noughties” as a description of this decade and am guilty of my own linguistic crimes! I’ll come quietly, officers. :(

Zombie Harmony, the world’s first and foremost dating site for the undead! It’s just traditional zombie dating, however; vampires and werewolves everywhere, you guys are ineligible. BLAME THE OUTDATED AND OPPRESSIVE POLICIES OF THE VATICAN. >:C

Ask Palpatine. Palpy, you have some ’splaining to do!

Aww, he’s learnt his lesson. :)

Finally, Enter the Ninja, an information and propaganda website advancing the charitable causes of ninja everywhere… through merchandise sales! HOW THE MIGHTY STEALTHY HAVE FALLEN.

“If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed!”

Oh… Palpatine? …You’re still here? I… I guess you can stay for a while. :/

An Illustrated Guide to Things That Don’t Resemble Sweet Potatoes (A recurring crisis)

There. Now I have thoroughly explored two opposing sides to the issue of identifying sweet potatoes… EVERYTHING IS MORALLY RELATIVE WHEN YOU GET INVOLVED WITH VEGETABLES. :O

Links for a brighter yet somehow more jaded future:

Now there are those out there who would accuse Morbidiculous of exploring only stupid, trivial things (and these people are faceless and limitless in their evil, by the way), but I am CONFIDENT that this will silence them:

12 Cakes That Look Like Steak!

THERE’S NO TIME TO EVEN READ WHAT THAT LINK SAYS

If you are still here after seeing that link then there is clearly no hope for civilising you, I’ll just move on to the next link and wonder regretfully where your upbringing went terribly wrong! (it was a Thursday)

Popular culture makes tragic, disfiguring, medical conditions amusing once again! Popular culture, you deserve a medal. :O

The story of Hiroo Onoda, one man who just stubbornly refused to believe his country could lose a war. I don’t recall all of the seven virtues, but I’m pretty sure that stubborness is written on there somewhere! Keep looking for it until your opinion matches mine… you’ll know when! :)

Today, I… had a Pokeriffic adventure when I intended to be talking about Batman

Pokemon or no, that was the last ever adventure in the outside world AGAIN! From now on all of my adventures will take place sitting down. >:(

Thankfully the Pokemon lifestyle is very acheivable these days, with all of the advances in graphics and hardware of the new handheld DS system! Now there is no need for fresh air or sunlight or exercise to ever enter into the equation again.

Anyway, there have been more problems! For example! I was supposed to be talking about Kung Fu Panda and The Dark Knoght today (and that hilarious misplaced “o” will stay where it is) but instead you have to look at Pokemon… it’s a long and (say it with me) tedious story!

Thoughts on Batman: Great! If you only see one film this year, choose Batman, and forget to take any children you may have with you. It’ll break their hearts and provide them with a generous supply of hostility towards you for the rest of their lives. Batman is THAT good.

But! To disagree with the general popular consensus (and I am ALL ABOUT disagreeing with popular consensus) I think that Heath Ledger was probably the weakest part of the film. If only he wasn’t dead and an endless source of morbid comedy for talk show hosts, people might agree with me! Damn! But at the moment I just seem like a cruel, jealous monster who likes to kick him while he’s down (and by down, I am not attempting to make a joke about the depth of his grave. THAT WOULD BE TASTELESS AND SOMEBODY ELSE ALREADY MADE THAT JOKE TO ME TODAY)

So, back to adventures in 1998! Pokemon! How about it.

 

Oh. Now I remember why I stopped playing Pokemon!

Plus I sat on my gameboy and the colour stopped working. :(

Links? Well, just the one!

To sound like a fairly typical whining internet nerd in all of his glory, Red Vs Blue has truly jumped the shark with its latest series! But unless it is one of those deadly and ferocious land sharks, they should be okay. LAND SHARKS: THEY ARE THE MOST DEADLY SHARKS OF ALL. >:(

An Illustrated Guide to Things That Resemble Sweet Potatoes

Alright, that should clear up any confusion people have been having! :|

There have been further problems with the bwog today, so things will be kept to a minimum! In particular, do not visit the Hyrule On Life page, something has gone MORBIDICULOUSLY wrong with the coding there. Even Bomberman himself could not solve that problem!

…

Now I’m just being ridiculous. Bomberman can do anything. :)

Links?

Stiltman is a supervillain from Marvel Comics with a slightly less impressive resume of evil deeds than his peers, but he recently passed away in the Civil War… in the name of Morbidiculous, please donate a Pangolin and help feed his starving widow and orphans. :(

The Super Mario Marathon, the most successful of a wide variety of organisations dedicated to raising money for charity by the unlikely method of sitting around playing games for a long stretch of time, has just recently wrapped up AND raised over $11,000 for the Child’s Play Charity. Good going guys! I wouldn’t mind getting on the bandwagon myself. My game of choice? Kirby’s FRIGGIN’ Dreamland. My worthy cause? The resurrection of apartheid! ……DONATE NOW.

E3 Scandal: lack of updating leads to filler comic!

You may have remembered Morbidiculous promising a SPECIAL update this week… well, there have been some unforseen problems in that regard, mostly thanks to some HTML problems and general internet stupidity! (plus the “n” key on this laptop has picked up a defiant streak, probably from those rebellious numpad keys. They are ALWAYS CAUSING TROUBLE.)

So here is a filler comic that prepared earlier, about a former American President who has led the public to believe he is either dead or trapped inside an imposing statue of himself in stasis for over a century.

You will be left today only with the imposing bust of the great Emancipator (or as I like to think of him, the great Imposernator) reminding you to

“Drive safely, and carry a big stick!!”

buuuuuuut I think he might just be confusing himself with Teddy Roosevelt. How do I tell him without hurting his feelings!? :/

A link to further Theodore Roosevelt quotations? Thank you, the wide and bewildering world of the internets! You have once again saved my relationship with a former world leader! Good day and good night.

News and links:

There is a photo caption on this news page that says “Amazing scenes of enormous Mass”, which was amusing for a few moments before the harsh, grim reality of life reasserted itself. :)

Anybody with any interest at all in gaming, like Morbidiculous certainly CLAIMS to have, knows that E3 is currently taking place. So to continue giving a feeble impression that we do, here is the latest coverage from Kotaku, Gamespot, N4G, and 1UP.

And thankfully, Games Radar is currently doing a special weekly feature on… the booth ”babes” at the convention. Which is great, because I was just wondering if they could go one day without using the word “sexy” as a noun and making me feel ashamed and embarassed to ever label myself a gamer!

Um, whoops. Freudian slip! I meant to say IT’S GIRILLS LOL AM I IRATE RIGHT GUYS

A Comic Where A Zebra Provides An Allegory For Christ

If you are asking yourself “whoops, what implications does this have for my soul and I”, then I’m afraid you are ASKING THE WRONG GUY. >:I

Today’s featured game of spectacular antiquity: Nightmare Creatures!

Most people have never even heard of Nightmare Creatures, which I suppose is just as well… the average person probably doesn’t have the stomach for it. YOU WERE WARNED.

Nightmare Creatures was released in 1997 for the Playstation and PC (and later a few other systems), and with truly astonishing speed it plunged into… mediocrity, I guess! It kind of failed to make a huge impression on anybody at all, which is strange because it had a lot of the key qualities necessary for a successful game: rudimentary graphics, a variety of horrible monsters, TWO gender dysmorphically different protagonists, and a huge selection of weapons! (gaming expectations were a lot more relaxed in 1997 you see)

In the game, you played as either Ignatius or Nadia, and you had to stop the mad and/or insane schemes of Adam Crowley, the details of which I can’t actually recall with much clarity, but I do remember for years mistaking him for the actual historical figure, which I’m sure was the designer’s intentions ALL ALONG.

There were new monsters introduced in every level, and huge boss monsters, and a werewolf, and at the end Crowley turned into a gargoyle and tried to throw you off a church, and it was all very very exciting! And then it faded into obscurity. :/ 

Oh well. It borrowed a lot of the horror elements from Resident Evil and the tomb raiding adventure gameplay (among other things) from Tomb Raider. But seriously, it was great.

Hacking zombies apart in Victorian London did NOT lose its appeal quickly, and I remember enjoying the trek through Nightmare Creatures a lot more than the similar nightmare related gameplay of either Resident Evil or Tomb Raider - I think it was due to the advanced decapitation engine present in the game. It was truly… AHEAD… of its time! :O 

QUESTION! WAS that pun the true reason I chose to look back on Nightmare Creatures?!

Sssh! That’s between me and Aleister Crowley! ;)

 

Today’s links:

 Gaming world set alight by man who vaguely resembles Solid Snake! He is a national icon.

Passage: an award winning free game I highly recommend. It’s very arthouse, so you should let that put you off!

Gamespy: Top Ten Gaming Bargains (from 2004! But most of them are still kind of relevant)

Salman Rushdie is STILL ALIVE. And the guy wins an award, too! Those are BOTH fine accomplishments!

I’ve spent this post talking about Nightmare Creatures, but it’s the photo of Rushdie on that piece of news reporting that chills me to the bone… it’s the finest day of his life and they can’t even provide a non bug eyed picture of him? I guess it’s still an incredible honour… if you can call that living. :(

And in a final piece of news, apparently

Experts Discover Major Flaw In the Internet

Thank you, experts. You’ve saved our Internets. |:(

Fallout 3: Nothing But Bad News

I was not intending to post anything today, but here is a photo I have titled “What Was In My Fridge on the 28th of August, 2006″. Greek yoghurt is a KIND of a comic? :/

Preserved for future generations. :(

In reference to the title of this post: I refuse to invest myself emotionally in anything at all whatsoever anymore! Today’s “inconconsequential in the real world” news: Fallout 3 has been refused classification in Australia. I have a new list of things that suck: THIS. :(

If you are curious about the particulars, it’s the highly mature content present in the game that has caught the eye of the OFLC.

GET OUT OF THE WAY EXPLODING HEAD MAN, NOBODY WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU.

Don’t be so dense!! It’s the glorification of drug use I am talking about here! We have no time for exploding heads when drugs are busy corrupting the minds and bodies of our post apocalyptic future generations!

Finally: I have updated the FAQ page. So now visitors to Morbidiculous can go look at that and be confused by the kinds of questions I think people would ask! More power to them!

A past-revealing flashback

I think this neatly explains all of the recent events in my life! Like those Capri pants I once bought… it was HIS FAULT.

Do you know what I think? Don’t say “yes” please because that means you have either developed terrifying psychic abilities or are just trying to irritate me… and the consequence for you is a slap either way. To everybody else, here is what I thought: this blog needs a little bit more of the “morbid” promised by the title… and I know just the ridiculously outdated game to reminisce about for that!

Space Station Silicon Valley

In Space Station Silicon Valley (not affiliated with the Uncanny Valley!… probably), you were a murdering robot named Evo! This particular robot (named Evo, it’s important) could use his robotic magic to possess the inanimate corpses of the animals he had killed, and then use their unique abilities to achieve his goals… to be honest his goals revolved around more killing! IT WAS A UNIQUE GAME.

It was one of the most acclaimed puzzler/murder simulator games of the 1990s, and the developers behind it went on to become Rockstar North. You probably recall something about them also making another great murder simulator, the Grand Theft Auto series.

And Lemmings! :O

ALWAYS PROVOKING CONTROVERSY!

Back to the game: it really was a great game, and it holds up well! The cartoony character and level design belied the very mature sense of humour it had, and if you’ve ever played Grand Theft Auto, you’d be familiar with the kind of ironic thing I’m talking about! Sheep, hippos, depictions of violence, etc, etc. In a lot of ways in reminded me of Meet the Feebles if I had been allowed to watch that when I was 10 and in dire need of some hormonal development, but unfortunately, I’m pretty sure that Peter Jackson had nothing to do with its development (note to self: find out if this is at all correct).

Plus, the sidekick character, DAN DANGER, kind of had a fuglified, “genetically spliced with a pumpkin”, Dilbert charm to him. That’s great too! I looked up a photo on Google Image Search for reference, without success, but I DID manage to find something even better:

You are in serious trouble from a t rex today

And that is as terrifying a note as any to end this post on! I’ll finish with a link to an actual review, just in case a badly posed retrospective by a complete stranger on the internet isn’t enough to convince you of the merits… OF… SPACE… STATION… SILICON… VALLEY!

Gamespot review!

I will see you on Monday with an update to Hyrule On Life and perhaps a speeeecial, mystery bonus! For this weekend, I’ll just leave you with that amusing depiction of child abuse at the top of the page!

But then again it always is. :/

EDITED NOTATION: Wikipedia apparently considers New Zealand humour a valid topic for its own article! It’s ABOUT DAMN TIME. >:(

Today, I… almost fall out of a boat

No Pangolins today? Life is certainly full of interesting twists! For example: I would never have thought I had it in me to live for another thirty years!

In a reprisal of yesterday’s lack of real content, here is another Goosebumps video! This time, it’s the The Blob That Ate Everyone. I think you’ll agree that the title is making a lot of promises. Everyone? Your average blob usually isn’t capable of gastronomical feats like that. I would have recommended that it start at something a little bit easier, like “the majority of” or “a large division of the population” and then work its way up to “everyone”.

The Blob That Ate Everyone, Part One

The Blob That Ate Everyone, Part Two

Holy moley.

I have thought up an alternate title for today’s entry: “Today, I… realise the entertainment value of just posting links to youtube Goosebumps videos”. It really makes finding content a breeze! Now I can just rest on my laurels!

Well, in that case… can I go play Super Mario Brothers instead? :(

“Okay”

What the hell. Here is the last thing I saw before Mario died… Clearly my Mario skills are less impressive than I’ve previously boasted… and I’m wearing a t-shirt right now that says “I am the greatest there is in mario-playing abilities and will prove it upon being challenged”! And worse still, I wore it to a Super Mario Brothers-themed party and accepted a challenge for midnight, tonight!

HOW AM I GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS ONE?! :O

Closing remarks: Did you know that Satanism is everywhere and we are constantly being exposed to it? Because www.exposingsatanism.org is still on the case! They are without question one of my favourite paranoid delusional webrings out there and are a great source of inadvertent entertainment. Drop in on them to praise their efforts or just mock their weird beliefs like the smug, self righteous bastards I know you have the potential to be. GODSPEED. >:O

The pangolin: The most remarkable animal you haven’t had a chance to eat yet

THIS IS THE WAY THE WORLD ENDS. NOT WITH A BANG, OR EVEN A WHIMPER… it was kind of a squeal?

If I had a wishlist (it’s more constructive than my enemy list), it would just be “pangolin” over and over again until all life on Earth shut down. The Pangolin is an animal I would really like to draw your attention to, and definitely for humanitarian reasons and not just because it looks like what would happen if Mother Nature published a first draft!

A larger and more Marlon Brando-esque variety of pangolin also exists, appropriately called the Giant Pangolin. Feel free to laugh at its amusing appearance… Pangolins hunt for laughter. >:O

In more Goosebumps-focal news, yes, Troy Steele did write his retrospective and I was not disappointed! That is what I am reduced to, getting excited about a blog dedicated to a discontinued children’s series! And not even a high quality one, like Animorphs. You should smell the paper Goosebumps was printed on… to me, it smells like a happy childhood! And mildew.

Nostalgia: One. Sinuses: Zero. :(

And you know what? Let’s see if further Goosebumps amusement can be had from watching the Goosebumps TV series on youtube.com?

One Day At Horrorland, Part Two!

Did I say “amusement”? I meant “astoundingly bad production values”.

My favourite part of that video was when the monster said “Let’s get them!” and then… they almost got them! :o

I’ll leave you today with YET ANOTHER THOUGHT PROVOKING CARTOON

Today, I… act inconsistent towards a ferret

Ferrets aren’t cute enough to have welfare organisations! THAT IS WHERE THE SYSTEM FAILS. :(

In case there is anybody actually still reading these or following my banal exploits, I did NOT find that Atari. But my search will continue and I assure you, the internet will be the first person to hear ALL about it! EVERY DETAIL.

Here’s a link to a somethingawful.com article about just how much people hate Diablo III already! It’s… it’s kind of related to a previous comment I made about Diablo III? I’m confident that you’ll buy that explanation!

A few announcements: I will be completely changing the layout and messing around the design until I find something that matches what I’m looking for! Send me some hate mail if this displeases you… it will be the first of any reader mail at all, and you know all that spite you packed into it? It will taste like delicious, nutritious, Crab Spawn Cakes to me.

True or False: Crab Spawn Cakes… better than Soylent Green?

Today, I… demonstrate that the figures of Norse mythology are less fictional than previously thought

I hope you all come away from this knowing just that little bit more than you did before. Knowledge is half the battle! Hopefully the half of the battle before all of my guys retreat in a total panic and get slaughtered… stupid unit AI in Rome: Total War. >:O

Today I am going to talk for a little while about my favourite and a half thing in the world: Choose Your Own Adventures! Wait. I’m wrong. Adventures are great and all, but I prefer something in the variety of a nightmare… and I was not disappointed. Choose Your Own Nightmare!

I only had the first title in my collection (the werewolf-orientated book seen above), but I have to admit that the concept behind

is an intriguing one! If I were a famous film producer, this is the point I would be saying, “Richard Brightfield, I am a famous film producer and here is a lot of money. I want you to take your book and make me this summer’s blockbuster.” and then Richard Brightfield would say, “Do you mean the one about the magical mirror that turns people into freaks?” and I would say, “I know it sounds stupid but come on.” and then we would probably have some more witty banter and then go to lunch.

It is getting a little bit late and I have some time free on my hands… what would be a good use of the time I have left? Given the choice: I’d like to fulfill one of my childhood fantasies by going camping in the woods of Maine, having a horrifying but non-fatal encounter with a werewolf or serial killer or bigfoot of some variety, and then maybe finish off the day back at camp with a big bowl of hale and hearty camping chili? Would I like to do that?

Yes. Yes I certainly would. :|

But unfortunately an Atlas has just interrupted my train of thought with a cow of reality on the line… Maine is at least one fair-sized continent away and it gets dark soon. Looks like that’s a childhood fantasy fulfillment for another day! :(

Maybe another time, Jason? :(

So instead I have decided to spend the afternoon looking for an old Atari that I AM POSITIVE is still around here somewhere. WILL my efforts be in vain?! Find out tomorrow! (It could even extend into the realm of a… trilogy?)

But here are two final links; one to today’s dinosaur comic that I really “dug”, and the second to a slightly less dinosaur-related article from 1up.com about the genteel past-time of cheating in gaming (it validates all of our previously held opinions for us!) Thank you.

Today, I… make a generous resolution

Uh-oh. My standards are falling already…a spelling error? It’s become an INCOHERENT MESS! Just in time for your American Independance Day! Congratulations! ANOTHER YEAR OF STABLE GOVERNMENT FOR EVERYONE. 

Oh well, I’ve already lost interest. Lousy 21st century attention spans. I’ll see you on Dia de Camões, de Portugal e das Comunidades Portuguesas.

Some things that may interest you today: Ten Ways to Destroy the Earth

Troy Steele, the writer of the world’s most hair-raising blog, Blogger Beware, has finished the original 62 book masterpiece of R.L Stine, and he will be concluding this week with a retrospective… of his own retrospective?! WELL, I’m still unreasonably excited about it! I have been trying to get other people to feel unreasonable excitement with me about Goosebumps and Blogger Beware for years now – the only twist ending I have been getting is one with threats of violence from loved ones. :/

Morbidiculous death of the week: Some guy who exploited the licencing of Bozo the Clown! A final tribute to this incarnation of Bozo the Clown:

And I will end this travesty of a post with an interesting lexicological fact: most modern European place names ending with the word -”chester”, like Manchester, are derived from the Ancient Roman word castra, meaning “camp” or “fort”, because they were once the site of one of their garrisons.

And then the Romans and the dinosaurs were all wiped out by Asterix, as is my recollection of early human development. :D

Today, I… have fruit salad for breakfast, part II

Phew! Looks like another chapter of my life is all WRAPPED UP INTO A NEAT CONCLUSION!

…for now.

If you are anything like me (and I’m confident that guy over there is), the use of gaming auteur Will Wright’s Spore to create pornography is probably something that has perked your interest lately. Wait, seriously, it has? YOU JUST NODDED. I can’t believe you’re admitting it! I was just saying it to see if you would! Freak.

The fuss has mostly died down by now, but before the fad has completely dried up as a source of easily exploited entertainment, I’d like to point the finger at Games Radar for commiting the most heinous Spore-related crimes: Pokemon-themed Sportions.

“Worlds will burn before me”

They suuuure will! :/

 

In non-apocalyptic news:

An amusing youtube.com video starring Peter Serafinowitz, best known as Darth Maul’s second place finisher: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9froOhQ6Vb8

 Internet celebrity news: Zero Punctuation’s Ben Croshaw reviews THE ENTIRE STATE OF ONLINE ENTERTAINMENT TODAY… but mostly he just comments on a webcomic that I never really read very much anyway and don’t entirely understand what the issue is. Yes, I sure am struggling to think of meaningful things to comment on, thank you for noticing! Here are some interesting and non-controversial Wikipedia articles to distract and confuse you.

And why not, one about my favourite deceased French revolutionary, Georges Danton! ANY FOCUS I HAD GOT OFF THIS BUS A LONG TIME AGO. |:I