What’s that, Navi? You say the Great Deku Tree wants to speak with me?

…

It seems I’ve been entrusted by the Great Deku Tree (or as I prefer to think of him, the Great Deku JERK) with clearing out some kind of parasite that’s infesting him. WELL isn’t that a fine way to start my adventure. Listen here Treebeard, I signed up to be the hero of time, not clear out your bowels for you! >:O

“I want you inside me Lonk”

He makes a convincing argument. :/

Oh well, once again, it could be worse. At least it’s quiet in here.

And dark.

And inhabited by colourful natives! :D

Man, see, that’s what I need. A placard with my name and a three word description of my best qualities on it. That would stop this “Lonk” nonsense. Even a nametag would do. >:|

Oh yeah, I’m in mortal danger here. I hate it when that happens! Still, thanks for the warning, Navi. I guess this must be the parasite that’s making the Great Deku Jerk sick? I hope so. I’m no doctor, so let’s just end her blasphemous existence quickly and get this over with.

She seems to be harder to kill than I thought she would be. Not much harder, though, thankfully! See:

A quick snipe from my trusty slingshot into her glaringly obvious weakness does the trick. She collapses, her eye flashing wildly like an overused sexual metaphor, and snicker snack goes my vorpal blade!

Aww. :(

Now I feel bad. She’s such a cute little cursed horror parasite. You know what, Gohmy? Let’s put aside the harsh words and Kokiri swords and live in peace. Just you, me, and Navi. Not the Deku Tree though. I stand proudly by my “jerk” label.

But! It appears that Gohma has other plans as well, and she wisely hoofs it, away from my FURIOUS, UNRELENTING ASSAULT…

….Well, alright. Maybe it was just a LITTLE relenting. :/

But as you can see, I did it! I defeated the curse! I have full confidence that she will never be back to threaten me in any capacity, ever again!

What’s that Navi!? She’s on the roof and my attacks are now completely ineffectual against her!?

Oh come on, Gohma! I didn’t do this to you! Get back down here and die like natural selection wants you to!

Oh no. My slingshot continues to have no effect, and now Gohma has started to emit a loud, foghorn-like bellow, which is definitely NOT good. It never is, have you noticed that? Revised Unified Theory of Everything: FOGHORNS = BAD NEWS FOR EVERYONE.

Urgh, it’s a thousand times more biological than I feared: that devious bug is LAYING EGGS! :O

I fight off Gohma’s rugrats easily enough, but this turn of affairs has left a bad taste in my mouth. It’s not that I see anything wrong with letting children do my fighting for me, it’s that these children incubate, hatch, and die in less time than it takes to even form an emotional attachment with their parents… why bring children/larvae into this world if you aren’t going to look after them, Gohma?

You know what? That’s it! I could put up with her poisoning the Great Deku Jerk. I could tolerate her grotesque appearance. I could live with her constant attempts on my life.
But I.
Have.
Had.
Enough.
Of Queen Gohma and her irresponsible parenting. LADY, YOU ARE GOING DOWN. >:O

My next attack (this time using a Deku nut! Variety is the spice of life!) brings her to her… appendages, and I once again thrust my pathetic little spork into her eye. It’s even more effective than I expected! (And I ALWAYS have high expectations for sporks)

Au revoir, Queen Gohma. In hindsight though… I don’t think she was a real queen. :/

With that monarch out of the way, I troop back to that glorified oxygen producer, the Great Deku Jerk himself, for my reward…

…some crummy culturally significant ancestral emerald?! Bah. CHEAPSKATE.

To make things worse, the Great Deku Jerk then drops this whole, “I’m dying” bomb on us and follows up that act with a live demonstration.

Oh, wait. He’s… really gone? Really? I should probably stop calling him a jerk, then. I mean, I didn’t like the guy much, but Navi’s known him for much longer than I have. He’s probably the closest thing she has to a father. Do you think you’ll be alright, Navi?

Well… okay!! :)

Tomorrow, join me for more regicide on Day Two: King Dodongo!